Release Date: May, 2013
Publisher: Inkslingers Publishing
Pages or Words: 364 pages
Denial, Deceit, Discovery is the heart-rending story based on true events in the life of Jack Ellis; a young Catholic man deep in denial of his own homosexuality. It tells the story of how his own denial and the denial of his loved ones forced him to conform to the straight world, resulting in his marriage to his high school sweetheart. After years of cruising gay porn sites, chatting online with endless guys and intimate encounters with close friends, Jack was pulled into a life of deceit with a string of sexual partners.
The story explains the pain and suffering of those around him as his secrets unfold and honesty rises up. The torture endured as Jack struggles to piece together the complex story of his own sexuality is truly moving. Escaping the shame, Jack flees to Bangkok with his gay lover where a much greater world of deceit and discovery awaits them both.
Denial, deceit, discovery will make you laugh, cry, cringe and blush as Jack's story unfolds from a life of shame to one of hope and acceptance for homosexual men.
'Did you ever think of men when you masturbated?'
Sometimes I cannot believe I have arrived at this point. This is one of many direct and personal questions from the Catholic priest dealing with my annulment. I cannot help but sense his judgement of me. From his failure to hide his disgust to the way his sunken, weathered eyes glare at me as he waits for my sordid responses. I am sitting in a room that reminds me of a nursing home. It is bitterly cold; though I'm not sure if I am shivering from the cold or the depth of questioning. Excessively floral wallpaper with clashing printed soft furnishings was never a good look. The mahogany 70's style furniture pieces marked the perimeter of the room and the over-sized portrait of God's beloved son hanging above the chimneybreast was particularly distracting. I did not feel comfortable discussing my love of cock with a priest, let alone with Jesus in the room!
Two years after our thirteen year relationship ended, I have been instructed by my now ex-wife to visit the priest to support her annulment application - a Catholic loophole that allows two Catholics to declare that their marriage never truly existed. We have to prove that I was incapable of willingly entering into the marriage due to my underlying, yet undiscovered, homosexuality. Personally I do not have the patience for this, but it is a small gift for my ex-wife that will enable her to one day remarry in the eyes of God.
In 2001 we married after seven happy years and we stayed married for another six, although maybe these were not as happy as the first seven. And why did I do it? Why did I marry a girl when the answer to the opening question was YES! Quite simply, because I loved her. When I stood there on the day of our wedding it never entered my mind that I was lying, or trying to cover up or trick anyone. I simply loved her and wanted to spend my entire life with her. On reflection, I guess I knew I was gay but I certainly did not want to live my life as a gay man. At that point I had never admitted to myself that I was indeed gay; something I have come to regret. It was not out of malice or false intentions, rather just total confusion and denial; born out of an upbringing in a straight, Catholic world. The signs were all there, but no one ever asked me the question and, therefore, I had no reason to even question it myself.
I have spent many a sleepless night trying to piece together the complex story of my sexuality and can now define three distinct periods in my life: one of denial, one of deceit and a final time of discovery. To some extent they are chronological but there are many overlaps whilst in each phase of my life. When I finally declared my sexuality at the age of thirty-one, I ended the thirty-one years of denial - a pretty hefty sentence for anyone! To some extent I am still there now. But there have been many exciting and somewhat dangerous discoveries along the way; from early childhood fumbles with girls, mutual masturbation sessions with male friends as teenagers first discovering porn, to naive visits to male prostitutes as a young man and random hook ups with strangers off the internet as a married man. With some of these discoveries came webs of deceit shrouded in guilt, lies and more confusion. But it was these very experiences that have shaped the gay man I am today - one who has found true monogamous love.
Since accepting my homosexuality, many people have used the line, ‘You had a choice...’ but to me it was anything but a choice. In fact, I would say I did everything possible to choose not to be gay and despite my greatest efforts to suppress who I really was; eventually it came and bit me on the arse anyway.
Today I’m very lucky to be interviewing J James author of Denial Deceit Discovery.
Hi J, thank you for agreeing to this interview. Tell us a little about yourself, your background, and your current book.
What genres do you enjoy writing in?
Denial Deceit Discovery is written in the style of an autobiography/memoir and this is a genre that I also enjoy reading. I am fascinated by people and love to read about the challenges and victories of real-life people. However, I am currently working on my second novel which is a M/M Romance story and also I have ideas for a Crime novel which features a central gay protagonist and also an erotic fiction book for women. So I would say at the moment I am still experimenting with different genres and looking for the one I enjoy most.
What was the hardest part about writing this book?
Actually writing the book was the easier part – it is the promotion and marketing that is the biggest challenge. Trying to reach out to your target audience in a market swapped daily with new books is very hard. But I really do thrive on trying to achieve this.
Writing Denial Deceit Discovery took a lot of soul-searching and reflection and that was at times emotionally difficult. Replaying some of the more difficult moments led to many a show of tears in my local coffee shop! But that in itself was incredibly cathartic.
What did you enjoy most about writing your book?
I loved learning about myself in the book. The central character Jack is based on me and the true events in my life. As the author I felt like I was watching Jack grow and mature from a distance. I almost felt like his older brother – protective somewhat. I enjoyed seeing how Jack transformed from the miserable, stressed, tormented young adult into a confident and proud gay man. That was extremely rewarding to see.
What cultural value do you see in writing?
I think society still struggles with UNDERSTANDING homosexuality. I think it is largely accepted (well certainly in the Western world) but I do not think people understand it. I feel the book highlights the challenges gay men face in accepting who they really are. It clearly emphasizes that our sexuality is not a choice but rather who we are. Jack also shows the reader the ability of people to overcome even the most difficult of personal struggles. If the book changes one persons misconception about homosexuality then I would say that it had value.
What is your favorite positive saying?
“Things can only get better…”
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About the Author